Meeting or being with someone who is great, but who will never be great for you is something most of us can’t comprehend. So we make excuses for the red flags because we consider these people quality people, “she/he had a terrible childhood, so that’s why sometimes they treat me so bad”,” but he’s a good provider despite cheating on me, besides better the devil you know” these are some of the things we have forced ourselves to make sense, in the name of keeping a wrong relationship together. We have allowed ourselves to be half loved and still carry on like we don’t see we are not being loved the way we want or should be. We sacrifice ourselves to a point of putting up with crappy relationships, because addressing our unhappiness in relationships is the quickest way to lose anyone, and God forbid, we don’t want to lose even our dogs. (Pun intended).
So you sit there with a man who doesn’t love you, but you love him so it doesn’t matter. You will work at proving yourself to him till he loves you. You twist and turn yourself to something you are not, hoping he will find an angle that is worthy and lovable enough… but 7 years later he’s still not convinced , let alone ready to settled down. You have wasted so much time, but you have yourself to blame honey. Sounds cruel and rough but allow me to unpack this without being defensive, deal?
See a date is not just a date when you’re looking for love. A relationship is not just a relationship when you are looking for marriage. Excuses like:
- But he’s not a bad guy, so I will stay (4 years later you are with a guy u don’t love but settled for, a man you half want).
- Sex is great so I will ignore his bad behaviours (meanwhile back at the ranch you have nothing to say to each other outside of that. But you call him “ your Bae”)
- She’s a good home maker, so the fact that she’s disrespectful to me and my family is not so bad, etc.
These excuses don’t crack it if you get in relationships for a purpose and with a goal, they have no room. it’s only in relationships with no serious intentions
Red flags are never hidden, let’s not fool ourselves… they are as clear as daylight! We know when something isn’t right our partner’s behaviour, actions, we ignore all the uneasy feelings we have. Actions are your answers to all your questions in relationships, not words.
Why are you even planning a wedding in your head with someone that has red flags that flash with every smile and touch? Red flags don’t happen 7 years later into a relationship, they happen whilst you are still in the honeymoon phase, if only you cared to look and listen. Nothing will waste your time like ignored red flags until it’s too late. People end up engaged to red flags, sleeping with red flags, married to red flags, parenting with red flags and dying with red flags.
Red flags are not only for thugs and bitches funny enough… life is complex and two quality people can still waste each other’s time. The mentality of going along with the ride in relationship will only have you wasting your time and love. Don’t end up married and asking yourself questions like “how did I get here” .
Red flags can tell painful stories but they can also be a life line. It’s funny how we allow our intuition to be right about everything else but our relationships. We use our gut feelings to make business and life decisions but don’t trust it to make decisions about our relationships. Relationships are not perfect but you shouldn’t slowly die in them.
When you have to ask questions like do they still love me? Are they still attracted to me? Do they still care? Do they see me? Do they need me? Do they think about me… I suggest you sit with yourself and own the red flags and make a decision based on your true gut feel and intuition about what to do.
Be brave enough to allow yourself to see and feel the red flags. Most red flags can’t be changed to white flags, so don’t even try sneaking that trick!