Meeting or being with someone who is great, but who will never be great for you is something most of us can’t comprehend. So we make excuses for the red flags because we consider these people quality people, “she/he had a terrible childhood, so that’s why sometimes they treat me so bad”,” but he’s a good provider despite cheating on me, besides better the devil you know” these are some of the things we have forced ourselves to make sense, in the name of keeping a wrong relationship together. We have allowed ourselves to be half loved and still carry on like we don’t see we are not being loved the way we want or should be. We sacrifice ourselves to a point of putting up with crappy relationships, because addressing our unhappiness in relationships is the quickest way to lose anyone, and God forbid, we don’t want to lose even our dogs. (Pun intended).
So you sit there with a man who doesn’t love you, but you love him so it doesn’t matter. You will work at proving yourself to him till he loves you. You twist and turn yourself to something you are not, hoping he will find an angle that is worthy and lovable enough… but 7 years later he’s still not convinced , let alone ready to settled down. You have wasted so much time, but you have yourself to blame honey. Sounds cruel and rough but allow me to unpack this without being defensive, deal?
See a date is not just a date when you’re looking for love. A relationship is not just a relationship when you are looking for marriage. Excuses like:
- But he’s not a bad guy, so I will stay (4 years later you are with a guy u don’t love but settled for, a man you half want).
- Sex is great so I will ignore his bad behaviours (meanwhile back at the ranch you have nothing to say to each other outside of that. But you call him “ your Bae”)
- She’s a good home maker, so the fact that she’s disrespectful to me and my family is not so bad, etc.
These excuses don’t crack it if you get in relationships for a purpose and with a goal, they have no room. it’s only in relationships with no serious intentions
Red flags are never hidden, let’s not fool ourselves… they are as clear as daylight! We know when something isn’t right our partner’s behaviour, actions, we ignore all the uneasy feelings we have. Actions are your answers to all your questions in relationships, not words.
Why are you even planning a wedding in your head with someone that has red flags that flash with every smile and touch? Red flags don’t happen 7 years later into a relationship, they happen whilst you are still in the honeymoon phase, if only you cared to look and listen. Nothing will waste your time like ignored red flags until it’s too late. People end up engaged to red flags, sleeping with red flags, married to red flags, parenting with red flags and dying with red flags.
Red flags are not only for thugs and bitches funny enough… life is complex and two quality people can still waste each other’s time. The mentality of going along with the ride in relationship will only have you wasting your time and love. Don’t end up married and asking yourself questions like “how did I get here” .
Red flags can tell painful stories but they can also be a life line. It’s funny how we allow our intuition to be right about everything else but our relationships. We use our gut feelings to make business and life decisions but don’t trust it to make decisions about our relationships. Relationships are not perfect but you shouldn’t slowly die in them.
When you have to ask questions like do they still love me? Are they still attracted to me? Do they still care? Do they see me? Do they need me? Do they think about me… I suggest you sit with yourself and own the red flags and make a decision based on your true gut feel and intuition about what to do.
Be brave enough to allow yourself to see and feel the red flags. Most red flags can’t be changed to white flags, so don’t even try sneaking that trick!
You’re probably in the office stealing some time off to spoil yourself with this article, and so I’d best start here!
The chair you are sitting on, how many sleepless nights did you spend at it? Working on the right feel and look for presentations or proposals, drafts after drafts.
Aggressively putting in long hours of hard work and even at times sacrifice your life to be proactive, to land just that one client, and hit more sales or targets. Being the torrent and boardroom beast that is unapologetic about competition for better pay and position; sound like you, right?
So…we are generally familiar with the reality that attitude keeps you winning in business or at work but somehow, the same hasn’t been said and done for relationships.
As a dating coach, (some have even called me “the expert dating coach”) I can tell you that the hundreds of people I’ve spoken to and helped, have this one common problem- their attitude about themselves or others in relationships.
My question always is, why are we being such sissies and crybabies when it comes to our approach and demands in relationships?
Why we are so vague about what we want, expect, and are willing to give for relationships?
A lot of women I coach secretly desire a man to take care of them, especially financially but have never whispered it to their own shadows, after all, nobody wants to come across as a slay queen or blessee candidate… this is the same lady who is a definite goal chaser in the office by the way!
Why are you being apologetic about your true needs and desires? (Pause…Think!)
When will you stop the car, get off your bum and throw away the ‘back seat’ approach in the bedroom? Why can’t you tell him you love it when a man goes down on you?
Why don’t you tell him to hit it a bit harder? Or that you want to try that position you saw on a porn site?
What’s that, he doesn’t know you watch porn, you still haven’t told him?
I bet he also doesn’t know you also love sex, right?
Women are also sexual beings, the goddesses of pleasure, and that does not make them loose or sluts!
After all, how will your needs be met if you don’t say?
Maybe, a step back….before we even get our sexy lingerie off; did you wait to be chosen, do you still want to be chosen?
The wrong dating mentality demands you do extra things, that rarely make you happy just because you don’t believe you can attract a man with just the right attitude alone.
How low on earths’ entire standards are you planning to stay before you change your attitude about yourself and what you want?
Aren’t all these limitations, the source of why a lot of women live and maintain the mentality of worthless, lonely and depressed love lives?
There is no love rescue team squad that is coming to help your miserable dating life ladies.
Fortunately, you have to do this one alone, and it starts with changing your attitude!
The attitude about what you want and what your goals are will determine what you attract.
Discipline yourself; Tear away from believing what society says you should be.
You are a grown woman who knows what’s right and wrong. Don’t let anyone or thing refute that you are deserving of the experience you want from relationships.
Do away with being average to make a potential feel comfortable; it’s really that simple!
Stop pursuing relationships more than a potential man will do, only participate in a balanced dance of mutual chase, and master the art of giving is receiving, and no more.
Stop “forcing it” to be love; it may invite a few popping bottles and dates now and then, but when you start looking for love, it’s more than that; a great relationship will be beyond that.
Any woman can get dick, any woman can score bottles, a few months of attention and even a fake (bum…of course I mean ass) relationship; are those your entry requirements? I’m sure you are above that, above average… #KnowYour Worth Gurl!
More and more women are out to get what they want, are you happy there in your lil’ corner settling for the crumbs falling off their table?
What is it about you that even allows a man to think, “It’s okay not give her time, pleasure and even money?…Or even space in his filthy closet?
If you are in your late twenties and you still can’t tell a man what is it that you want …what does the future like?
If you are in your late twenties and you are still faking orgasms, what exactly are you hoping for?
You still can’t bring yourself to asking for help when help is needed, but your legs flicker and open no questions asked when he wants to Phola; what exactly are you saying?
And that time….you can’t even look at him, I mean in the eyes and ask where all this is going, and what he really wants…tell me, what does the future look like?
Why are a lot of women divorced from reality?
You are not getting any younger; it honestly serves no justice to your dating life by keeping a mediocre attitude. It’s time for an upgrade!
Do you care about how a man who treats you like that thinks about you?
In King James English, Why givest thou a rats bum about a man who doesn’t ask you about your life njhe; has he asked if you are happy, where you want to go, if you came/cum or even a thank you for the delicious food you cooked for him?
Where is thine head child?
Not checking your bank account doesn’t change the fact that you’re broke. Refusing to admit your frustration doesn’t end the frustration, not checking the attitude that hurts your dating life will only waste your valuable time.
Even more plainly, You don’t solve your problems by pretending you don’t have them.
It’s 2017, the end of it at that!
We are living in a world tailor-made for the strongest women to succeed, and the rest of them are intentionally kept in their little corners of weakest places.
The whips come from a place of love, a once shared struggle of trying to have a fruitful relationship.
No more quick fixes. No more running from the problems, after all…not facing them only makes matters worse.
To become a woman means truly knowing her worthy. That is the key to good things finally happening to her. Worthy of acceptance, of warmth, being desired, being cared and taken care of, being known, Appreciated, loved and GREAT…GREAT orgasmic sex.
This is the honorable goal, one on which your future happiness solely depends.
Whisper to your shadow, heck shout it out…I am unapologetically confident and sure about my needs and desires!
Ever heard of the saying, “age is a ticking-time bomb?” Well, I did, and it gave me a quite the fright! It actually seemed that the older I got, the more “natural” it felt to be desperate for a relationship and with the clocks ticking and the wrinkles rushing to catch-up, a go-getter like me wasn’t going to let time get the best of her!
I had a full-time job and an up and about daughter who did her best to keep me on my toes; I knew from day one, I had to be relentless. This was my mission, “28 and single” was about to bite the dust!
The old rugged routine of spending my evenings in bed alone, binging on series while sipping on red wine, (yes…I used to do that too), was long gone! Behold the new had come, and it was called going out to four dates a week!I was on a mission to find love and coincidentally, it just so happened that the fastest way to get something done correctly, was to practice it as many a time as possible, right?
With all this new excitement, I had also discovered my very own “mystic powers”. These enchanting ways made men hail the Queen I always knew deep within, many couldn’t help but fall in love with her royal 28-year-old, Makabelo Motaung.
Life and I were phenomenally exhilarating, me being lady everyone wanted to take on dates, or rather…multi-dates and life being the wingman that made sure it happened. It wasn’t too long before I discovered that in the midst of my BCQ, (Bae Chasing Quest, for all the new bes’), I had stumbled across the long lost treasure, the art of dating.
I knew which places to go, what to wear, how to sound and even how to leave them feeling like they’d just been on a date with destiny herself! I had found “that thing” and now, I owned it!How did I do it? Four a week? How did I find men who still took women out on dates?What is that, you’re asking if I slept with any of my dates, right?
Not at all, alright, alright…maybe just one or two; but that’s not what I’m talking about here, is it?Remember, I’d become great at this, I knew the do’s and don’ts so well; I am still convinced that’s when I got my CoachKB corner office somewhere in the dating cosmos, with the title“ Dating Exec”….at the door.
What couldn’t I get, how far could I take it? The dating addict had been born, it was more than just a game; this was the ultimate new hobby.
Remember the desperation point, the “I should be married by now and time is running out” position?What had happened from binging on series, sipping away dry red wine alone in bed, to a minimum of four dates a week? Where these four dates my happily ever after?The “28 and unmarried” position wasn’t going to get the best of me; the mission was love and nothing…not even the “ticking-time bomb” would stop me.
The “28 and unmarried” position wasn’t going to get the best of me; the mission was love and nothing…not even the “ticking-time bomb” would stop me.What had happened?
I came home one afternoon and almost instantaneously, my house became a dating library. I read piles on piles of the right books, watched enormous amounts of videos, even YOUTUBE clips at some stage; there wasn’t a search engine that didn’t know the heart aching position I’d found myself in, the one I desperately wanted to get out. The position of being 28 and unmarried.
So much work…was it really worth it?Honestly, it was tiring at first, but you can only imagine how enthralling it was when the hours paid back in great opportunities, conversations and even the finest of drink and cuisine.
I had finally mastered the art of dating!My celebration
My celebration was short lived as the haze of a new thought dawned on me; something was missing. Yes, the multi-dating had worked. I was in relationships, yet none of them satisfied me, I remained busy, but nothing intrigued the slightest thought of committing!
How was it possible that despite the various potentials I meet every week, I still didn’t have my ideal mate; where was he, that very one I wanted to settle with?Makabelo Motaung had to go back to the drawing board, this time to perfect the finesse of her dating craft. I knew I was close when I realised where I had dropped the ball. The fatal mistake that seemed so simple, yet delicate to the core. My pristine art of dating got them hooked, lined up and sinking to my every whim, but what to do with them after, that was the one element all the “expert dating material” had left out.
I threw myself onto the couch in utter shock, surprised why I hadn’t thought of it before….How could I have been dating with no explicit goal?This was a little beyond the chase for companionship and the price of a 12cr. diamond ring.
This one goal yearned for more than exquisite dates. Like a precious pearl in an oyster it had sought after my patience, a plea for her beauty to unfold. I could not hear of such, and neither could my clock; I was 28 and at that age, no one has time for such after all.
All that was needed was a sparkling diamond to deliver me from my drenched position!
One faithful day, the ring came through and it brought with it the “it guy”. It was literally two months after a few dates with him… but even then, I was certain this wasn’t the one that I wanted.
- What exactly did I want? Did I even know? Friends didn’t care, all they wanted to know is how I did it; how I’d become the Shero (heroine) in so many women’s eyes? The girl who went on exotic, mind blowing, taste-bud scattering dates, got the “perfect guy” to marry her in just under two months!
Everyone wanted a piece of that record breaking formula!I had learned that dating went beyond searching for a meaningful relationship, it had helped me figure out my own issues; that for me has been the biggest take out.
Do we assume to know what a healthy relationship looks like, how to get one, what it takes, or someone to get us there?
I have since then learned of a supreme importance, “know how to date and not only that but how to date healthy”. If we struggle on a day to day basis to create the relationships and dating experience we want, how then do we carelessly throw ourselves into the deep end, and expecting ourselves and partners to wing it?
Where does one begin, is there a right partner or perhaps a left one; this poor skill set can cost us a future or leave us with more divorce certificates than our own academic qualifications.
I knew my fault; I was dating with no goal or idea of what I was genuinely looking for, what is yours? Hard as it is to bear, there is no amount of therapy worth a horrid partner choice and so, it is paramount that we acquire skills on getting this important aspect of our lives right from the onset.
Fast forward to about three years and a bit, I didn’t accept any of the many rings that came my way,(there is a happy ever after, wait for it)…dating stopped being a hobby; I become an elite personal trainer for daters!
I now help design social lifestyles, immensely boost people’s confidence, and I can say that there is nothing more rewarding than seeing the great leaps of success in their daily romantic and interactive endeavors!
I am Makabelo Motaung your dating Coach, and I have mastered the necessary skills and techniques to ensure life-changing experiences on your companionship journey!
From a dating addict to a dating coach, pretty cool huh?
Welcome to Life. Growth. Love-welcome to CoachKB !!