For the longest time I have had commitment issues but I was never brave enough to unpack why. I have always justified that it’s because I have daddy issues or because I had a terrible childhood. All that is far, but 30 something years later, surely you are now responsible for whatever issues creep up, more so in your relationships.
Let’s own our mess for once and see what happens. Allow me to be real with you for a moment?. When you don’t have confidence in yourself it’s hard to commit to anything, be it a project at work, finally doing the spring cleaning etc. You will always put it off to it not being the right time, you not having the right feelings, the weather not playing along, I mean I can go own with the excuses. When you are confident about something, you get it done, no matter what because you trust yourself to do it. It’s that simple. Confidence brings commitment. Trust in yourself and others, makes it easier to commit yourself.
Commitment means you trust, you dedicate, you take responsibility, you adhere, you focus etc. Commitment is a big scary word that is packed with expectations. You pledge under any condition to commit. Can one commit to behaviour even of self? Do we control what triggers our behaviours? Can we commit to courage even when things change? Of course not! The way that I see it, you cannot commit to anyone, it’s humanly impossible; you will always disappoint them because life is not in our control, time is not in our control, feelings are not all in our control. Yes, you cannot commit to others, but you can commit to
So, commitment issues are issues you have with yourself. Others have nothing to do with them. When you commit to someone or something, you are setting standards and promises to yourself. When you break that commitment, you are breaking it to yourself. If you do not meet your commitment, you do not meet your needs. You abandoned yourself. You lie to yourself and you hurt yourself. Then you go around from one relationship to another with your commitment issues. With your unmet needs that you failed to meet yourself, with trust issues with yourself, with so much hurt and baggage that you caused yourself, with lies you have told yourself.
We have commitment issues because we cannot commit to ourselves. We are not stable with ourselves. You have fear of commitment because you are afraid to hurt yourself; I’m I saying others cannot hurt you? No, whilst they can hurt you, they can’t heal you. Healing is an individual responsibility. If they have the power to heal you, it means they have the power to hurt you. Pain cannot be shared or transferred. You sit with it, no matter how much others can imagine what it must feel like, they don’t know it. They are not experiencing it, you are. No matter how much you fear being hurt; you sit with the fear and no one else. You own the fear, it’s your responsibility. You cannot transfer fear.
We have commitment issues because we also say we don’t need anyone. Especially if others can hurt us. Even if you don’t need anyone it doesn’t stop your desire to want to be needed or to need. So what are you going to do about that need? What are your plans? You seek connection but you fear it? Remember what I just said about fear? You cannot sell it or give it away; it is stuck with you till you get rid of it.
Now it’s a case of short connections vs. long-term connections… in both instances, these are your issues. What you are capable of committing to yourself, you are capable of committing to others. What you cannot commit to others, you cannot commit to yourself.
Be committed to healing your issues, seek help for yourself if it means that, but dragging another person to counselling because they cannot commit to you is not your business. Your business is you. Deal with you.
Write a letter to yourself taking responsibility for your commitment issues and write one making others responsible for your commitment issues, which one did you write more in? Which one made you feel good and which one will help you heal your commitment issues?
Remember friends, it’s all an inside job. Run now, deal with it later, it’s your choice, either
I have commitment issues because I ….?
I have commitment issues because I cannot?
I have commitment issues because I won’t?
I have commitment issues because I don’t?
I have commitment issues because I struggle to? I’m sure you get the picture.