If you have been hurt a lot in love and disappointed by many in love, chances are that you stopped making any effort when it comes to love. So many of us end up drawing the conclusion that it’s too risky to love, we are afraid to love because of the risks of being devastated. I asked a group of +1300 women on facebook if they felt this was true for them and the comments confirmed what I have been picking up with a lot of the clients I do relationship coaching for.
Ms V said “I’m one of those people, funny thing is I haven’t always feared heart break this much…” I asked her what lead her to that conclusion and she said “it’s a combination of a few things…I went through a break up two years ago that left me devastated, I cried for weeks, would rock up at work not showered and wearing dirty clothes(I laugh when I think about it now 😂) I was in that funk for a few months and when I think about all the time I lost crying and not wanting to leave the house, I get into a panic at the thought of going through that again. There’s also a part of me that puts more pressure on relationships working out the older I get…at the back of my mind there’s a constant, I’m almost 40 and I want to start a family…a few years ago I was more chilled and had a whole lot more fun when it came to matters of the heart. I fear to
There was a lot of honesty in what she said, however, Ms V like many of us, is choosing to look at this from a view that will not serve her in any way. She does raise a valid point about time pressures and that I will write about another day… My focus for the purpose of this article is how love has left her wounded beyond what she can nurse. Perhaps Ms V just needs to work on being the kind of being she can trust to put herself first if she makes a mistake of choosing the wrong person to trust. She must trust herself to be there for herself next time if it ever even happens.
Sadly until we’re ready to actually deal with the pain and go through the motions, we won’t be able to make meaningful connections.
Then there was Ms B, who responded by saying “I am afraid of 2 things. Firstly, of me being devastated. Then, of being the one to make someone feel that way. Ever since I went through that I got to realise that I can’t even trust myself to love the next person right. By me staying away from love, I believe I am also saving the next person from a possibly being the one to disappoint.” MS B does not think she is capable of loving anyone or being loved after she was left devastated, she says “ I can’t trust myself. If I meet a guy I really like, then I make sure I go digging for something negative about him that will make me like him less. How can we allow people into our lives when we know that the possibility of loving them too much can leave us broken?”
Perhaps we didn’t choose the right people to love. Just because they hurt us doesn’t mean they wounded us… a lot of times we have wounds as adults from our primary caregivers. We just didn’t take the right “medical ” (mental &emotional) care when we discovered we had wounds. We exposed our wounds instead of protecting them till they healed. We seek medical care from mechanics instead of doctors, just because they carry the same tools. Exposing wounded love is the risk here. Exposing healed love is not. Once a scar is healed you can’t make it hurt again. Love requires you to allow the wound to heal before you expose it again.
With that said, We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions, when we deny giving love, we also deny receiving love.
Ms M, on the other hand, said “I’m one of those. I lost myself last year in a relationship I loved more than I was supposed to (took me by surprise). It killed me inside. I now “love” but at a distance. I guess you’re making me admit that I’ve subconsciously decided not to fall in love. I will love but there will always be a part of me that is locked away cause it is still shattered” Ms M unlike Ms V and Ms B sounds like the best thing for her at the moment is to hold herself with love and compassion and honour her pain till she’s ready. She continued to add that “ I don’t open myself up to a point where I’m vulnerable. My walls are up. So I can’t explain it, but I don’t allow myself to get past a certain vulnerability stage”… well, I’m happy that she is allowing herself to even attempt, that means she is not as close up as some and secretly she is hoping to be surprised by love. Love is not dangerous, staying away from it will not serve the human experience we are designed to have and need as people, what staying away from it does is, one ends up with feelings of loneliness and
There are many more stories that were shared and many more sound excuses that we can come up with about why it’s just too risky and unsafe to love, which makes me sad as a dating coach because I honestly believe love is a beautiful thing to
It’s okay to not be ready for love again, but it’s not okay to pursue life without love ever again! When you say you are ready to love, then you say you are ready to be vulnerable, ready to be accessible emotionally. When we can own ourselves fully, even the parts of us that we hate, then
In conclusion my dear friends and readers, We all have self-limiting beliefs. “I could never do that!” “I could never wear that!” “I could never earn that!” If you believe you won’t, you won’t. Break those self-limiting barriers. The only person you can ever control is you, the only person you can trust to stay is you, the only person you can rely on when others fail
Love will show us flames but love is and will always be worthy of a second chance, even if the second chance is with the 10th partner.
With love, you get hurt 7 times and fall in love 8 times, its life! Just like with life, you fail 7 times you get up 8 times!